Inspired by this tweet and this tweet along with also my own.
Written in about an hour or so.
If this were a Third Doctor era story I imagine it would have a working title of The Spam Mines of Tondu. But would end up with a title like The Tondu Revolution.
Jo Grant walked into the Doctor’s office to see the door to the TARDIS opening and the noise of the Doctor’s singing coming from within.
“Doctor?” Jo called, not wanting to intrude in the Doctor’s space.
“In here Jo, come in,” the Doctor called, his voice beckoning her to enter the time machine.
“Doctor, what is it?” She asked as she walked into the bigger space within.
The Doctor was moving around the console adjusting settings and doing whatever it was he did when he was messing around with the console. “Ah Jo, good, thought you’d like to pop along with me.”
“Pop? Doctor I thought you said there was months of work to be done before you could use the new circuits the Time Lords gave you after Omega and all that anti-matter stuff?” Jo asked and looked from the Doctor to the doors that remained open.
The Doctor beamed at her as he flicked a switch and with an other world whirr the TARDIS doors closed firmly. “Just a test flight Jo, a quick trip to Kabel Black and back.”
“Kabel Black?” Jo furrowed her brow at the Doctor. “That doesn’t sound like a planet name,” she paused and then added. “Not that I’ve been to that many planets.”
The Doctor shook his head. “Ah, well, it’s not, that’s not its proper name, but it was named ‘Boulder’ and then in the Futura wars it was decided that...” he trailed off and grinned. “I wouldn’t have known that before, when I was first trapped on Earth.”
Jo put her hands on her hips and looked at the Doctor. “This isn’t going to be a dangerous trip Doctor, the Brigadier wants my latest report and Mike Yates-“
The Doctor cut her off. “Mike Yates is a captain in UNIT Jo, he can take care of himself while we pop over to Kabel Black for a spot of cheese,” the Doctor explained as he threw some levers and the central part of the console began to move.
Jo looked at the Doctor. “So we’re going to this planet so you can pick up some cheese, oh Doctor, can’t you just pop round to Tesco’s like anyone else?”
“But Jo,” the Doctor smiled at her. “I’m not just anyone else.”
--//
Inside a well maintained building a blue box wheezed and groaned its way into reality and a moment later two people stepped out of the box.
“Ah, oh,” the Doctor said as he looked around.
“This doesn’t look like the local shops Doctor,” Jo looked back to the TARDIS and then around it. “The TARDIS has gone wrong again hasn’t it Doctor?”
“It hasn’t gone wrong Jo, it’s been a long time since the old girl flew under her own control, this is a perfectly safe part of the local space time to be in,” he explained as he went through the papers on a nearby desk.
“We’re still in the same group, as long as we’re not in the Helvetica Contingent...oh no,” the Doctor suddenly said as his eyes settled on the well made minimalist furniture.
“What is it Doctor?” Jo asked, knowing the Doctor’s tone, she looked back to make sure the TARDIS hadn’t been snatched away from them.
“We’ve missed,” he paused and continued with a tone of dread. “We’re on Tondu Jo.”
“What’s Tondu?” Jo asked looking around the office they were in. “It’s so space age funky! Is this Tondu furniture?”
It was then that all the lights snapped off, Jo resisted the urge to shout in surprise, she’d been with the Doctor long enough to know that lights snapping off didn’t herald the beginning of deadly danger.
“Don’t worry Jo,” the Doctor had withdrawn a small torch from his pocket. “It’s just Tondu’s Spam miners striking affecting the power supplies, come on, we should have a look around,” the Doctor said not giving the TARDIS a second look as he walked through the door.
“Should we?” Jo asked the now empty room and took off on a run to catch the Doctor.
“...it’s not an awful planet Tondu,” the Doctor had been saying, to himself, or maybe he assumed she had been walking with him.
“And they mine Spam Doctor? Urgh, tinned meat, how do they mine it?” Jo asked recalling her parents talking about it as a staple post-war dish.
The Doctor shook his head. “Separated Phased Amplitude Miasma. SPAM, it’s used as a fuel in much of this galaxy.”
“Spam is petrol?” Jo asked with a wrinkle of her nose.
The Doctor nodded. “Exactly, when it’s refined it becomes a useful gelatine-like fuel for those within the-“
“Hang on, you’re the one always going on about fossil fuels on Earth Doctor, isn’t this the same thing, aren’t these people also using Spam fuel?” Jo challenged and smiled as the Doctor rubbed his neck in thought.
“Well, it’s not that simple, after Tondu left the Galactic Union its exports became taxed differently,” the Doctor paused as the lights around them flickered back on. “they didn’t have much else to sell.”
“Nothing but Spam?” Jo asked.
“They make a decent white wine in the hills and they once excellent in architecture, rumour had it that the-“ the Doctor didn’t get to finish as the door at the end of the corridor they were walking along burst open.
“Stay where you are, who are you!” Shouted someone.
Jo couldn’t see who they were but the air from the outside world wafted in, it smelt...she wasn’t sure, but not like Spam, she would always know that fatty, vaguely spiced pig meat smell.
The Doctor was explaining to the people confronting them that they were just visitors, looking for a bit of wine and cheese.
Jo fancied she wouldn’t mind some wine, even if if was barely 10 in the morning on Earth. The smell from outside was intensifying, it was musty and dry, but she couldn’t identify what it was.
-/
Jo wriggled in the handcuffs, except they weren’t they were an ‘elastised polymer chain’ according to the Doctor, made from the Tondu’s Spam by-products. They were being lead out from the Tondu’s Chief Ministry of Politics, that was where the TARDIS had landed and to a holding facility, pending a trial.
“This is no way to treat prisoners. You might have left the Galactic Union but you still should be abiding by their laws,” the Doctor was protesting. His shoulders was stretched back, as were hers by the angle and tightness of the Spam restraints.
“No, we don’t that’s why we left the GU, so we didn’t have to listen to you sympathisers,” said one of the guards.
Jo was about to retort that they weren’t sympathisers, she didn’t even know who they were meant to be sympathising with, but just as she was about to open her mouth the person leading them was enveloped in a mauve and chartreuse glow.
“Stunned, come on Jo,” the Doctor muttered into her ear and took off at a run, far faster than she was able to, especially with her hands tied in such and awkward way.
“Doctor, wait...” she tried to say as she ran over the cobbled streets, then, as the Doctor was shouting something she lost her footing and tried to put her hands out to stop the streets coming up to hit her head....
-/
The world swam back into foggy reality, Jo realised that she was alive and her hands were unbound and she was sat in a comfortable sofa.
“Here, Jo, the Doctor said you’d like a cup of...tea?” A kindly voice offered her a mug of what looked and smelt like black tea.
“Thank you...” Jo trailed off as she looked up at the young man with intense golden eyes.
“The Doctor’s with the rest of the Spam Resistance,” the young man said gesturing to a small screen that was propped up beside her. It looked like a television but was as thin as a magazine.
“How hard did I hit my head?” Jo reached up, but her head felt fine.
“Only a few hours, the Doctor said you should rest, he’s helping us with the rolling blackouts,” the golden eyed young man said and then took a seat opposite explaining what the Doctor had done.
Jo had to admit, that the Doctor worked fast, in barely three hours he’d met the Spam Resistance who were convinced they were Galactic Union negotiators working with the Kabel Black Initiative. Now they were escalating the power crisis and halting the Spam mining and exports. Within the next few hours the government should surrender and...
“Ah, Jo, Nic old chap you should be able to meet up with the others now,”
The younger man Nic nodded and smiled gently at her. “I’ll leave you two together.”
“Ah, tea, thank you Jo, very kind,” the Doctor took her half drunk tea swallowing it on one mouthful.
“Doctor? How can you have caused a revolution in two hours?”
The Doctor beamed at her. “Two and a half Jo, plus planning.”
“Do they really think we’re Galactic Union representatives?” She asked in a low tone.
“Best not mention that bit Jo, though I have tried to dissuade them of that assumption,” the Doctor explained carefully.
Jo sighed. “Now what?”
“Now we just watch them do it themselves, they’ve promised us a very nice case of wine for our troubles,” the Doctor said looking off into the middle distance for a moment.
“And that’s it Doctor? We just sit and wait for them to fight?” Jo asked, it felt a little bit...simple.
The Doctor leaned back. “Jo, this is their planet, occasionally all it needs is a little push, the Spam miners have been protesting for years now since Tondu exiting the Galactic Union. Spam and their architectural exports have been the only thing keeping their planet from falling completely into recession.”
There was a thud and a rumble outside and the lights went off.
Even through the gloom Jo could see the Doctor beaming. “It begins.”
-/
The Doctor was wheeling what looked like several cases of odd oblong-shaped bottles into the TARDIS.
Jo followed and wondered. “Doctor, is this what happens when you drop around for a bottle of Spumante?”
The Doctor raised his eyebrow. “Spumante?”
“Or Rosé, I don’t mind,” Jo offered.
“Oh, Jo, no. Not every planet needs to be over thrown. The Spam miners just needed a push,” the Doctor offered as he closed the TARDIS doors.
“What now Doctor?” Jo asked as the Doctor started moving around the console.
“Now Jo?” He asked.
“Are we going back to UNIT HQ?” Jo asked.
The Doctor paused in his movement and looked to her. “Well, we never did get that cheese.”
“And we do have all that wine,” Jo said with a smile.
--//
Notes:
I don’t think I’ve got the Third Doctor’s voice exactly right, I might go back at some point and edit it to make it a bit more Third Doctor-y. If I were writing it for anything other than a challenge I would go and re-watch some Third Doctor-era stories to get Pertwee's voice into my head to write him properly
Also, my muse sort of fizzled about half way through, and I found myself not really wanting to write a whole revolution so I decided to knock Jo out and rush everything along a bit faster.