The Tondu Revolution

Inspired by this tweet and this tweet along with also my own.

Written in about an hour or so.

If this were a Third Doctor era story I imagine it would have a working title of The Spam Mines of Tondu. But would end up with a title like The Tondu Revolution.

View fullsize

Jo Grant walked into the Doctor’s office to see the door to the TARDIS opening and the noise of the Doctor’s singing coming from within.
“Doctor?” Jo called, not wanting to intrude in the Doctor’s space.
“In here Jo, come in,” the Doctor called, his voice beckoning her to enter the time machine.
“Doctor, what is it?” She asked as she walked into the bigger space within.
The Doctor was moving around the console adjusting settings and doing whatever it was he did when he was messing around with the console. “Ah Jo, good, thought you’d like to pop along with me.”
“Pop? Doctor I thought you said there was months of work to be done before you could use the new circuits the Time Lords gave you after Omega and all that anti-matter stuff?” Jo asked and looked from the Doctor to the doors that remained open.
The Doctor beamed at her as he flicked a switch and with an other world whirr the TARDIS doors closed firmly. “Just a test flight Jo, a quick trip to Kabel Black and back.”
“Kabel Black?” Jo furrowed her brow at the Doctor. “That doesn’t sound like a planet name,” she paused and then added. “Not that I’ve been to that many planets.”
The Doctor shook his head. “Ah, well, it’s not, that’s not its proper name, but it was named ‘Boulder’ and then in the Futura wars it was decided that...” he trailed off and grinned. “I wouldn’t have known that before, when I was first trapped on Earth.”
Jo put her hands on her hips and looked at the Doctor. “This isn’t going to be a dangerous trip Doctor, the Brigadier wants my latest report and Mike Yates-“
The Doctor cut her off. “Mike Yates is a captain in UNIT Jo, he can take care of himself while we pop over to Kabel Black for a spot of cheese,” the Doctor explained as he threw some levers and the central part of the console began to move.
Jo looked at the Doctor. “So we’re going to this planet so you can pick up some cheese, oh Doctor, can’t you just pop round to Tesco’s like anyone else?”
“But Jo,” the Doctor smiled at her. “I’m not just anyone else.”

--//

Inside a well maintained building a blue box wheezed and groaned its way into reality and a moment later two people stepped out of the box.
“Ah, oh,” the Doctor said as he looked around.
“This doesn’t look like the local shops Doctor,” Jo looked back to the TARDIS and then around it. “The TARDIS has gone wrong again hasn’t it Doctor?”
“It hasn’t gone wrong Jo, it’s been a long time since the old girl flew under her own control, this is a perfectly safe part of the local space time to be in,” he explained as he went through the papers on a nearby desk.
“We’re still in the same group, as long as we’re not in the Helvetica Contingent...oh no,” the Doctor suddenly said as his eyes settled on the well made minimalist furniture.
“What is it Doctor?” Jo asked, knowing the Doctor’s tone, she looked back to make sure the TARDIS hadn’t been snatched away from them.
“We’ve missed,” he paused and continued with a tone of dread. “We’re on Tondu Jo.”
“What’s Tondu?” Jo asked looking around the office they were in. “It’s so space age funky! Is this Tondu furniture?”
It was then that all the lights snapped off, Jo resisted the urge to shout in surprise, she’d been with the Doctor long enough to know that lights snapping off didn’t herald the beginning of deadly danger.
“Don’t worry Jo,” the Doctor had withdrawn a small torch from his pocket. “It’s just Tondu’s Spam miners striking affecting the power supplies, come on, we should have a look around,” the Doctor said not giving the TARDIS a second look as he walked through the door.
“Should we?” Jo asked the now empty room and took off on a run to catch the Doctor.
“...it’s not an awful planet Tondu,” the Doctor had been saying, to himself, or maybe he assumed she had been walking with him.
“And they mine Spam Doctor? Urgh, tinned meat, how do they mine it?” Jo asked recalling her parents talking about it as a staple post-war dish.
The Doctor shook his head. “Separated Phased Amplitude Miasma. SPAM, it’s used as a fuel in much of this galaxy.”
“Spam is petrol?” Jo asked with a wrinkle of her nose.
The Doctor nodded. “Exactly, when it’s refined it becomes a useful gelatine-like fuel for those within the-“
“Hang on, you’re the one always going on about fossil fuels on Earth Doctor, isn’t this the same thing, aren’t these people also using Spam fuel?” Jo challenged and smiled as the Doctor rubbed his neck in thought.
“Well, it’s not that simple, after Tondu left the Galactic Union its exports became taxed differently,” the Doctor paused as the lights around them flickered back on. “they didn’t have much else to sell.”
“Nothing but Spam?” Jo asked.
“They make a decent white wine in the hills and they once excellent in architecture, rumour had it that the-“ the Doctor didn’t get to finish as the door at the end of the corridor they were walking along burst open.
“Stay where you are, who are you!” Shouted someone.
Jo couldn’t see who they were but the air from the outside world wafted in, it smelt...she wasn’t sure, but not like Spam, she would always know that fatty, vaguely spiced pig meat smell.
The Doctor was explaining to the people confronting them that they were just visitors, looking for a bit of wine and cheese.
Jo fancied she wouldn’t mind some wine, even if if was barely 10 in the morning on Earth. The smell from outside was intensifying, it was musty and dry, but she couldn’t identify what it was.

-/

Jo wriggled in the handcuffs, except they weren’t they were an ‘elastised polymer chain’ according to the Doctor, made from the Tondu’s Spam by-products. They were being lead out from the Tondu’s Chief Ministry of Politics, that was where the TARDIS had landed and to a holding facility, pending a trial.
“This is no way to treat prisoners. You might have left the Galactic Union but you still should be abiding by their laws,” the Doctor was protesting. His shoulders was stretched back, as were hers by the angle and tightness of the Spam restraints.
“No, we don’t that’s why we left the GU, so we didn’t have to listen to you sympathisers,” said one of the guards.
Jo was about to retort that they weren’t sympathisers, she didn’t even know who they were meant to be sympathising with, but just as she was about to open her mouth the person leading them was enveloped in a mauve and chartreuse glow.
“Stunned, come on Jo,” the Doctor muttered into her ear and took off at a run, far faster than she was able to, especially with her hands tied in such and awkward way.
“Doctor, wait...” she tried to say as she ran over the cobbled streets, then, as the Doctor was shouting something she lost her footing and tried to put her hands out to stop the streets coming up to hit her head....

-/

The world swam back into foggy reality, Jo realised that she was alive and her hands were unbound and she was sat in a comfortable sofa.
“Here, Jo, the Doctor said you’d like a cup of...tea?” A kindly voice offered her a mug of what looked and smelt like black tea.
“Thank you...” Jo trailed off as she looked up at the young man with intense golden eyes.
“The Doctor’s with the rest of the Spam Resistance,” the young man said gesturing to a small screen that was propped up beside her. It looked like a television but was as thin as a magazine.
“How hard did I hit my head?” Jo reached up, but her head felt fine.
“Only a few hours, the Doctor said you should rest, he’s helping us with the rolling blackouts,” the golden eyed young man said and then took a seat opposite explaining what the Doctor had done.

Jo had to admit, that the Doctor worked fast, in barely three hours he’d met the Spam Resistance who were convinced they were Galactic Union negotiators working with the Kabel Black Initiative. Now they were escalating the power crisis and halting the Spam mining and exports. Within the next few hours the government should surrender and...
“Ah, Jo, Nic old chap you should be able to meet up with the others now,”
The younger man Nic nodded and smiled gently at her. “I’ll leave you two together.”
“Ah, tea, thank you Jo, very kind,” the Doctor took her half drunk tea swallowing it on one mouthful.
“Doctor? How can you have caused a revolution in two hours?”
The Doctor beamed at her. “Two and a half Jo, plus planning.”
“Do they really think we’re Galactic Union representatives?” She asked in a low tone.
“Best not mention that bit Jo, though I have tried to dissuade them of that assumption,” the Doctor explained carefully.
Jo sighed. “Now what?”
“Now we just watch them do it themselves, they’ve promised us a very nice case of wine for our troubles,” the Doctor said looking off into the middle distance for a moment.
“And that’s it Doctor? We just sit and wait for them to fight?” Jo asked, it felt a little bit...simple.
The Doctor leaned back. “Jo, this is their planet, occasionally all it needs is a little push, the Spam miners have been protesting for years now since Tondu exiting the Galactic Union. Spam and their architectural exports have been the only thing keeping their planet from falling completely into recession.”
There was a thud and a rumble outside and the lights went off.
Even through the gloom Jo could see the Doctor beaming. “It begins.”

-/

The Doctor was wheeling what looked like several cases of odd oblong-shaped bottles into the TARDIS.
Jo followed and wondered. “Doctor, is this what happens when you drop around for a bottle of Spumante?”
The Doctor raised his eyebrow. “Spumante?”
“Or Rosé, I don’t mind,” Jo offered.
“Oh, Jo, no. Not every planet needs to be over thrown. The Spam miners just needed a push,” the Doctor offered as he closed the TARDIS doors.
“What now Doctor?” Jo asked as the Doctor started moving around the console.
“Now Jo?” He asked.
“Are we going back to UNIT HQ?” Jo asked.
The Doctor paused in his movement and looked to her. “Well, we never did get that cheese.”
“And we do have all that wine,” Jo said with a smile.

--//

Notes:

I don’t think I’ve got the Third Doctor’s voice exactly right, I might go back at some point and edit it to make it a bit more Third Doctor-y. If I were writing it for anything other than a challenge I would go and re-watch some Third Doctor-era stories to get Pertwee's voice into my head to write him properly

Also, my muse sort of fizzled about half way through, and I found myself not really wanting to write a whole revolution so I decided to knock Jo out and rush everything along a bit faster.

It Takes 2 To Tango - An ABC2/SBS2 Fan Fic

The air was thick with the smell of burnt rubber, the individual responsible for it was currently downing her 30th shot of the night in the back bar. She wrinkled her nose at the thought of that space. Burping competitions and burnouts were hardly how she wanted their meeting to go.
It wasn’t a date, they weren’t on a date. Nothing so boring as that, this was a liaison, a meeting of common minds and interests. You didn’t date. Not this century. They weren’t the dating types.

Looking around the booths she thought she saw the one she was meeting, a flash of orange out the corner of her eye. Alas no. It was him. Talking about his country house again. He was always going on about the house in England he’d renovated and was now taking couples through. Nothing ever happened with him. Maybe the occasional murder in a neighbouring town, but he never really worried. His mate, no, his associate, his chum Barnaby would sort those things out. He preferred to quaff some brandy.

She wondered if she should have a drink, calm her nerves. After so long chatting online, private messages, even, when she’d had too many red wines with her older sister some cheeky snapchats sent she was still nervous meeting in public. Meeting together, for this.

Maybe, she thought it was in the restaurant that she’d find their meeting place. Walking through the gaming area X was there and his younger brother XI. Their younger sibling was probably sharing a yard glass out in the back bar. She wondered if she could do something for them, but, if they were her, she mused there was nothing she could do.

In the restaurant there were two Americans, at least that’s what she thought at first, one loud and brash guy and someone with so much bling she was for a moment dazzled. They were deep in conversation about network rights or something boorish. She shifted her coat around as she passed them.

She walked past them out into the courtyard, a rising worry taking hold. Maybe they’d got their schedules mixed up. Maybe they’d timeshifted the wrong thing.
Out in the courtyard, under an umbrella she saw a smoke trailing away from a lone figure. She was wearing a hat, perhaps against the cold, she wasn’t sure.
Her body, a casual shape of brush marks and curves, it was even more luxurious in real life.
She smiled at her as she sat down, the two of them together at last.
She complimented her on her own outfit.
They’d said something hard wearing, for their date that wasn’t a date.
You didn’t really date like this.
“Are you ready?” Her opposite number asked as she stubbed out what was mostly just a butt into the container on the table.
She nodded. They’d talked about this, not being a date. But they were going to make it memorable.
“Any problems?” She asked nodding to her coat.
No one suspected a thing as she walked through the pub. They’d all mocked them, tried to get in on the action.
“Well, let’s do this.” She grinned and withdrew the semi-automatic from her coat. “Hand in hand?” She asked with a grin.

--//

There were ratings spilling all over the floor as she tossed a grenade into the back bar. Her friend had brought it along just in case. She was glad of it. She didn’t want to go in there.

Stepping outside the pub she was buzzing, her friend had already lit up as their ride pulled up. The big B.
She looked to her friend as they both looked to the big B.
Should we? She looked to her friend.
Her friend laughed. The big B looked nervous.
That expression was the last he had as his contract was terminated.
They’d manage their own. They didn’t need an agent.
They didn’t need anyone.

Guided holidays

Recently a tweet from the Australian Writers’ Centre turned up in my timeline for a competition of theirs for the ‘Best Australian Blogs Competition’.

I had a look through the entry and the terms and conditions. I usually do the latter to see if there’s anything nasty hiding in the terms and conditions for various competitions. Mostly I end up not actually entering competitions because many include terms like ‘indefinite use’. The terms and conditions for this competition don’t appear to include anything like that.

Trafalgar, a travel company I’ve never heard of is offering as part of the prize a “A seven-night guided holiday to an international destination”, but when I read it the first time I did skip over the description, but went back and re-read it as one of the terms struck me as odd.

“Guided holiday”, what is that?

On Trafalgar’s website FAQ it states:

“On a Trafalgar holiday you can be sure that every detail is taken care of - from our fleet of luxury coaches to our expert Travel Directors, all of which will give you an insider's perspective on every destination to create a memorable holiday experience you simply could not have your own.”

Luxury coaches.

So, it is, what I thought when I first read “guided holiday”.

It’s a bus tour.

On Trafalgar’s FAQ they have a question that is “What is the difference between "visit", "view" and "see" in the itineraries?” and have to define what each of these mean.
“See” means that bus drives past. “View” means you get led off the bus for s short stop, by which I take it to mean it’s a toilet stop, it says “this is a great opportunity to take photos”. “Visit” means you actually get to get off the bus and have a look around, have a look around a site where you have to pay to get in, though the entrance fee is included. So that’s something.

What I find a little bit surprising, edging close to ludicrous is that many blogs are about personal experience. In fact the Australian Writers’ Centre’s categories for the competition are:

• Personal/Parenting
• Lifestyle/Hobby
• Food (reviews or recipes)
• Commentary
• Business
• Words and Reading

Yet they’re offering a prize which would allow no real personal discovery of locations or really unique experiences.

Maybe I’m an odd one out, but thinking of holidays I like to have unique different experiences and (forgive the pomposity) I want control of my own destiny. Or at the very least my own destination.

I don’t want to be led around like a lamb in a road train on the way to slaughter.
Which is how I’d liken a ‘guided holiday’ to.

I’m sure people have seen those bus tours at tourist locations (and road houses) around the world, being led off the bus to have their 5 minutes of photos, toilet break and whatever else.

I can’t think of anything that would inspire writing less than a guided holiday. Just the thought of one makes me grumpy.

I can’t think of anyone who’s under 65 or without children who would actually think a guided holiday was a good thing.

So, after being cramped into a plane to get to whatever destination you’re going to what’re going to do? Get into a car you can drive yourself? No, why do that? How about jump onto public transport in whichever city you’re in? Oh no, you wouldn’t want to mingle with the ordinary people? What about catching a taxi? Some local knowledge and setting everything rush past at ground level? No, a taxi where you might be over charged or the taxi driver might not have English as a first language?
I know, how about you get straight off that aluminium tube that flies and get onto a bus! A bus that’s air conditioned. Where you’re with other people who’ve paid exactly the same price (or maybe a little more to be able to have a little more freedom than you) and then be driven around to all the various locations where you’re trotted off to take photos and then shoved back on the bus before being taken to your hotel room.

What a terribly awful idea.

Can I think of any positives of this idea?

Well, I do know of concepts like this that I can see the appeal of. The Captain’s Choice which is a business that I wouldn’t quite describe as being cheap.
But it does provide an experience which would be unique and yet still safer and different to going alone. I know people who’ve gone on Captain’s Choice tours and have thoroughly enjoyed them.
The Captain’s Choice tours a good for individuals of a certain age who want to experience unique situations without the faffing around that one might not want to do.
But still allowing you out and doing things.

It’s something I just don’t think a bus tour allows. Yes, you do get free time according to the websites I’ve looked at but...

But I should be sticking to my topic of positives for the bus tour. Sorry, what was the language? “Luxury coaches”. Yes. That’s so much better than a bus tour.

Well, like a Contiki Tour you could go out all day, take some photos to put on social media and then get drunk at night. Get drunk to block out the reality of being stuck on a bus.

Thinking on that I think I’d still prefer to go on a Contiki Tour than a “guided holiday”. There’s probably little difference between a tour and a guided holiday, aside from the more florid language to describe the latter.

But with a Contiki Tour, to take a random example a 14 Day “European Highlights” tour is priced at AUD $1981. Included in that price is meals; 13 breakfasts and 7 dinners.
From Trafalgar a sort of comparable tour is the 17 day “Wonders of Europe 2014” tour priced from AUD $5799. Included in it is 16 breakfasts and 7 diners.

I’m not a ‘go on a tour’ sort of person. But I think from a seeing things point of view, even from a kicking back and enjoying life and seeing the things point of view, I’d still enjoy the Contiki Tour more than the Trafalgar tour.

Plus there’s the cost difference. Almost 3 times the price of the Contiki Tour. For a bus tour.
Sorry. Luxury coach guided holiday.

At least with a Contiki Tour there’s going to be lots of other people who’ve paid a small amount of money with hopefully cash left over to spend on alcohol to help white out the nights (and days).
Plus, spending a smaller amount of money means, if things go awry, or you want to be able to go and do something additional to the tour it’s a cost, but as you’re not spending a huge amount on the tour these bumps can be ignored.

With a luxury coach guided bus holiday tour, spending what is a considerable amount on a bus tour, you’re going to want, and going to expect that everything goes smoothly and you get precisely what it says on the tin. You’ll also be quite annoyed if it doesn’t go as smoothly as it’s suggested it would, as many reviews on Epinions.com suggest.

It is rather telling on that the apparent age of everyone on Trafalgar’s website appears to be greater than 50. It’s in stark contrast to the Australian Writers’ Centre (AWC) website which also features images of people all looking much more youthful. I don’t think anyone on the Australian Writers’ Centre’s website is over 50, or if they are it’s a very youthful 50.
None of the people listed on the AWC’s “Graduate case studies” page seems like the sort of person who would grab at the chance to go on a guided bus tour holiday.

The other prizes that the AWC is offering comes from the AWC itself and Random House, which are I think a much better fit for such a competition than a guided bus holiday.

I was tempted to title this post ‘How not to win a competition’, not that I’ve yet to actually enter the AWC’s blog competition. But as I’ve just spent 1400+ words slagging off the concept of one of their sponsor’s business I don’t think I’d be in the running to win anything.

Melbourne Social Writers' Group - Dialogue Challenge

As mentioned in a previous post there's a social writers' group that I attend, this is the outcome of one of the writing challenges/games.

Parameters: Story had to start with the piece of dialogue “You did what?”, be made up of primarily dialogue and for extra challenge not use the word “said”.

In jotting down ideas to start writing this I wrote out a few key words / ideas to give myself something to start with these were; cake, politics, cane sugar, oven, import/export and genocide.

As I wrote I decided to try and make genocide funny. Not in a way that devalues it as a concept, but to try and bring humour to it without going down an expected path with the subject.

I think, taking a second look at it, it almost works. There’s a few bits here and there that don’t work and didn’t go in the way I was intending and as one of the people who attended you can see where I was going with it. It’s a little too much not subtle, but for 15 minutes work I don’t think it’s too bad.

--//

"You did what?"
"I don't think it's a big deal, it's not something amazingly complicated." She complained of the situation.
"You don't think this is a big deal, we're surrounded by cake and the UN is making the suggestion of rights violations." He exclaimed to the woman who was looking around the space with a mixture of annoyance and impatience.
"Who we should really be blaming is the cane sugar lobby, they're why we're here in the first place. We shouldn't be worried about a little bit of genocide." She mused.
Lyle watched the woman opposite him to see if she was joking. "There's nothing little about a bit of genocide!" She exclaimed.
Sarah shrugged. "It's not as though it's a big deal, this is something we've been working on for a while. The genocide is just an unintended consequence of these matters."
Lyle hoped she hadn't told the press that, he asked her as much.
"Of course not. YOU haven't prepared a press release, that's what you're always talking about, needing to keep the press informed." Sarah paused and smiled, flicking out a finger to one of the iced cakes beside her. "But if we do, we have plenty of cake to keep them satisfied."
"Yes, let's not talk about the messy subject of genocide." Lyle commented sarcastically.
"I thought we might lead with that, it's a boon for the economy that we've managed to do this when everyone else has failed." She argued. "I don't know why you're up set about this Lyle, I've done something, that's better than most of the politicians you've managed in the past."
"Yes." He paused. "Lead with that, not the genocide." He felt like he needed a drink. But the closest that was around in this space was some sugar cane left by the growers' federation.
"So, now I'm writing my press release, instead of you; my press officer, Lyle, what is the matter? It's like you've never wanted to commit genocide before. Think of all the possibilities if we managed to do this with other problems." She said looking around frowning. "This is the problem, they take all the chairs with them when they leave."
"You think that's the biggest problem, we're casually standing around surrounded by cakes talking about genocide."
"The great sugar cane grower’s federation bake off was the crowning achievement of the mass destruction that we achieved. "
"'Mass destruction', that's what you're calling it?" Lyle was almost hysterical.
"You sound distressed."
"I'm just trying to work out how to sell this to the press. Is there any alcohol in this kitchen?" He wondered, pausing to look around. "Hang on you said 'mass destruction'."
Sarah raised an eyebrow at him. "Yes."
"What about this genocide?"
"I thought genocide sounded better, punchier than 'mass destruction', that's rather clinical."
"But.” Lyle felt himself relax as the hysteria passed into annoyance. "Mass destruction is the code phrase for our cane toad eradication service." The rage was now building in his mind. "And you wanted to call it a genocide?!"

Melbourne Social Writers' Group

As mentioned in my Daleks films at the Astor blog I’ve been trying to get out and about and socialise a little more after everything that’s been going on in my life. Meetup.com is part of that throwing oneself out into the world sort of thing as I’m really not a bar / club person. Well, I haven’t been for a really long time, so it may be that it becomes one of those things that I do do. Except I’m not a huge drinker, don’t like clubbing and generally find it all a little bit uncomfortable.

The Melbourne Social Writers Group is a group that meets weekly and monthly, I don’t go to the weekly meets because I can’t be arsed going up into the city on a weekday just for a meetup like that. The monthly ones I do go to. Well, I’ve been to for the past two months.

At the meetups there’s eating, chatting and then some writing games. Three to be precise. Game 1 is usually a half hour writing game where the organiser gives us a set of objects and or possibly a scenario plus a few objects and then we’ve got to write. 
Game 2 is a shorter game of around 15 minutes and is a slightly more obscure game forcing you to write having an set point of view or possibly it’s a scenario created by a round table discussion each adding bits to the scenario.
Game 3 is a very quick story both in length (5 minutes) and in style, you have to write a fast paced story, again using a scenario, characters or setting that is provided.

I will probably post one or two of the stories I’ve written at these meetups in a mostly unaltered format. I’ll do some minor edits to them just to fix any spelling errors and other minor things like that. But I will hold myself back from doing any major edits or improvements for the first posting of the story so it’s there in raw form with along with the game scenario at the top.

Kevin and Tony; a dinner in Russia

A small piece of fiction inspired by ABC News - Prime Minister Kevin Rudd considers taking Opposition Leader Tony Abbott to G20 talks in Russia

“Well, isn’t this nice.” Kevin smiled over at his dining companion with whom he’d shared a plane, though they hadn’t been within the same section of the plane. Certain things needed to be kept from the man opposite.

Tony looked over the menu at the insufferable man sitting opposite him. They were within one of the hotel’s restaurant rooms, with only their personal staff near by should they be needed. A break in the G20 meetings and away from the press.

“Would you like me to order the wine Tony?” Kevin asked taking a sip of the sparkling water that had already been left on the table.

Tony glanced over at the Prime Minister who beamed back at him with that insufferable smile.
“No, thank you, I’m merely reading through this thoroughly.” The PM smiled and continued to casually gaze at his own menu.
“Of course, I didn’t mean to rush you Tony.” He was still smiling.
Tony reached into his pocket to remove his glasses, not something he usually did, but he was damned sure not going to allow the PM to choose the wine. Not for him.
The PM’s public relations team would spin any minor move he made while here.

Kevin looked over the menu, with one eye on the leader of the opposition and a small portion of his concentration on one of his assistants who was just within his vision standing in the background of the room. A PM’s work was never done, but he could allow himself a small amount of ‘down time’ to put his feet up and have a good meal. Even if that meal was with the leader of the opposition.

Kevin admitted that he had been surprised Tony had accepted and come himself, in those early days, before he’d re-established his ministry he’d thrown out a lot of things to the media. They were always wanting to strip the leaves from a gum tree like a hungry koala, he thought he’d give them something to chew on.
That Tony had agreed to come and not send Julie had been interesting in itself.
Tony still hadn’t chosen a wine, but he had decided to put on his glasses.
Kevin resisted the urge to grab the menu out of the opposition leader’s hands and make the decision for him.
Indecisiveness was his problem. Couldn’t even choose a wine.
Although there were a good range to choose from, he wondered what Tony would choose, if he could manage a decision.

--

Their orders taken and a bottle of wine sitting in an ice bucket between them Kevin mused what to discuss with Tony. This was the first of a few times they would be seen together, this time without the cameras. It had been something of an accident that they were eating together at all. But a good opportunity he thought to take and grab.
It did leave something of a problem though, speaking with the man who wanted his job.

Tony watched the PM sip the wine, which he’d chosen, the PM seemed smugly pleased with his choice.
They had sat in silence since their orders had been taken. The silence was irritating, even more so that the PM, Kevin Rudd seemed almost happy enjoying the wine he’d chosen and had made no attempt to begin a conversation.

Kevin sipped the wine, but swallowed very little, just enough to wet his lips. He had tasted the wine and it was a rather good choice made by Tony. He would, however have chose something a little less sharp, something fruity and mellow, there had been several wines fitting those descriptions. Tony it seemed had gone for something rather more different, almost opposite to what he would have chose. Kevin savoured that amusement internally and continued to watch Tony, his assistant and the room around them.

Their first course had been taken away and now once again they were sat in silence.
Kevin decided to break the prevailing silence, an act that seemed to surprise those who weren’t sitting, waiting. “It’s interesting that we don’t do this more often.” He said, wetting his lips on the wine glass again.
Tony looked at him, surprised with a little bit of contempt, it was a rather interesting mixture on the opposition leader’s face.
“Would you have anything to say if we met more often?” He challenged him.
“I don’t know Tony” He paused to smile, briefly. “This outing has been quite good. We shouldn’t let out political differences divide us. Surely we can share a drink and meal?” Kevin asked. Tony looked surprised beyond belief, at least Kevin hoped it was surprise. His assist also looked concerned.

Tony looked over at the PM who was suggesting they have more of these....these encounters. He resisted the urge to ask if the PM was quite sane, he already knew the answer the question.
“I’m sure we could share a meal” He paused. “But I am often far too busy to share a simple casual meal, something I would prefer to do with my wife, rather than you.”
He smiled and raised his drink. “Quite right Tony, we shouldn’t be wining and dining together when we’re in Canberra. We’ll put this down as a special treat. A meal together as leaders.”
Tony stared over at the PM and nodded meeting his raised glass.

--

Kevin allowed Tony to leave the restaurant first, out of which he’d rushed, not to the toilet, which by his speed could be the only other option. The first of course was the waiting press. He decided to take a more casual walk, let the press know he was ready to speak to them on serious issues, not what they had chosen for wine or which of the tasting plates of deserts they’d each had that they’d found palatable.
Tony was already talking about a slew of topics but as he walked over to another area where the press was waiting it was obvious the press still cared who was Prime Minister of Australia and who had merely dined with him.

Splendid Chaps - “Who and Books”

4th March 2013

The Northcote Library kept us eager Doctor Who fans, fans of the Splendid Chaps podcast waiting in the 15 degree cold weather outside the library, right up until 4:30 and a bit pm. Why? No idea. They’re probably just into acting like the Master in Castrovalava and we’re all their Adric.

Petra, following up her appearances as/within a Dalek during the MICF walked into the start of this podcast in a spacesuit with the audio of Proper Dave saying “Hey, who turned out the lights?” appropriately from the Doctor Who TV story “Silence in the Library”.

The guests for the podcast were Katie Purvis and Dave Hoskin. Hoskin has written two Doctor Who-universe stories one “iNtRUsioNs” in the Doctor Who short story anthology; Short Trips: Transmissions edited by Richard Salter and one “Writing in Green” in the Bernice Summerfield short story anthology Something Changed edited by Simon Guerrier both are published by Big Finish Productions. Although only ‘Something Changed’ is still in print.

There were several reading moody readings; from novelisations, short stories (Hoskin’s “iNtRUsioNs”) Virgin New Adventure novels (“Damaged Goods” by Russell T. Davies) and Doctor Who Quiz Books. The podcast closed with a dramatic reading by Lawrence Leung of the the Make Your Own Adventure novel “Crisis in Space” by Michael Holt.

There was much discussion and praise for Terrance Dicks “Uncle Terry” and his novelisations and his many stock phrases that he used to describe the Doctor and how the TARDIS sounds (a wheeze groaning sound).
Personally I’m more a fan of the comics which describe the TARDIS as going ‘Vworp-Vworp’. That at least seems like an attempt to render what the TARDIS’s materialisation sound is in prose.

Aside from being mentioned by Petra in her introduction the BBC Eighth Doctor Adventures and Past Doctor Adventures weren’t mentioned during the podcast. Something of a disappointment as I’m something of a fan of those.

The Virgin New Adventures were mentioned, but weren’t really discussed as much as I’d hoped. These were novels that the publisher (Virgin Books) described as “too broad and deep for the small screen”, these were novels that were written for a then adult (though young, but not “young adult”) audience. These novels included sex, violence and ‘mature language’.
These stories were gone into a little bit, but some of the context for them was missing a little bit.
It was still funny going through the various ways Kate Orman (the only female writer who wrote for the Virgin New Adventures) tortures the Seventh Doctor in each of the stories he appears in written by her. Including the fairly graphic time when in The Room With No Doors he holding a baby, and is then shot with an arrow, with the arrow going through the baby’s head and embedding in between his ribs, putting him in a coma, but his companion thinks him dead so buries him. When he awakens he has to dig out of his own grave.
Not all New Adventures were that graphic, there’s Transit, which has the word “Fuck” in it; 10 times, it was the first novel to use that word.
This wasn’t mentioned during the podcast recording.

They did however mention the planet Dildo, one of many spelling mistakes and factual errors in “The Doctors - 30 Years of Time Travel” by Adrian Rigelsford.

There was some interesting and funny analysis of some of the novels and how they pre-empted the post-2005 TV series. Dave Hoskin’s comments on “Damaged Goods” that it basically has all the elements of RTD’s Doctor Who isn’t new (I’ve read similar things before) but just how he commented on it made me think anew about it.

The Doctor Who Quiz Book of Dinosaurs reading was hilarious, as Hoskin commented it sounded like Tegan was on LSD. It clearly sounds like Michael Holt who wrote it had been given a (very) brief description of the Fifth Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa, then just wrote this quiz book from there. As all the Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa are so very out of character, the internal area of the TARDIS and its control room don’t resemble the TV series and Tegan is very out of character.

It was nice to see at the recording so many people who’re fans of the books, as while I’ve always been a fan of Doctor Who for a long time, like Ben McKenzie (one of the hosts of Splendid Chaps) the New Adventures and Eighth Doctor Adventures are what made me a bigger fan. These are the stories that continued to tell the Doctor Who story after the series finished in 1989 with Survival and then was given a zap with the paddles in 1996 with the TV Movie staring Paul McGann. It was said during the podcast if you read the New Adventures and the Eighth Doctor Adventures there is less of a gap, story development wise between Survival, the TV movie and Rose.
The novels developed so many different ideas and their slightly edgier existence meant that they could explore more mature themes that once stood outside of the TV show, while other concepts like paradoxes, bi-sexual companions and the destruction of Gallifrey was done in the novels as it was thought that was something that would never happen in the TV show.

Again, like previous shows this one seemed too short, despite going for 1 hour 30 minutes or so. There was so much more that could have been covered, the annuals were very briefly skipped over, Bernice Summerfield’s development from companion to main character wasn’t mentioned or how she and Fitz Kreiner are the longest appearing prose-based characters in Doctor Who’s history. I know with so much stuff that’s been published it’s difficult to focus on everything and still keep it relevant to those who’re not as widely read as others. Although, from looking at Ben McKenzie’s twitter feed, he seemed to have read and brought along a lot more books than were actually mentioned in the podcast. Having been to all the previous podcast recordings (except the one in Adelaide) they do seem to prepare a lot of things to talk about and then just run out of time because the guests are very interesting on their own and have interesting things to say. Which is pretty much similar to many other podcasts I listen to.

I am still looking forward to the the next recording Five/Fear and intend to attend all the other podcasts this year (that take place in Victoria). They (John Richards and Ben McKenzie) have said that Splendid Chaps is a series of 11 podcasts that they’re doing this year and this was episode 7, however last episode, episode 6 was actually two shows joined together. They also mentioned a Doctor Who and Food themed episode as well, which might also fall outside of the 11 previously mentioned. They also mentioned it possibly being 26 episodes rather than 11.
We shall, it seems have to wait and see, how many episodes there will actually be of this podcast, whose projected episodes seems to grow each time I see it.

Black Caviar’s decision

A brief little musing on Black Caviar’s thoughts. Somewhat fan fiction-esque. Though I’m not a fan of horse racing at all.

Black Caviar looked on as Peter stepped up to the media. They had spoken about the decision for the past week.
The decision to stop doing what she loved.
She’d known the past few races that she was at her peak, at the top of the bell curve so they said. At some point she knew she’d fall off the bell curve. Call the bluff of the fates that had been watching over her for the past 25 races.
She knew that she was carrying the hopes and dreams of others on her back, but she also knew that her back, her legs, he whole body could only take racing for so long.
She remembered the names Uhu, Bostik, Elmers, names thrown around the stables of what could happen to horses that failed. She didn’t want to become what they had become. Jokes thrown around by the stable boys who mucked out stables.
She turned to look at the calendar on the wall; the celebrated racing horses calendar where Phar Lap stood proud looking out into the stable.

Someone was crying now to the media, looking over it looked like one of her so called “part owners”. She had told Peter repeatedly, she wasn’t owned by anyone.
The crying hadn’t been rehearsed. Peter had said he never cried.
He had said he’d remain calm, do her justice when speaking to the media.
But looking over at the media again she wondered if she should go over, help by speaking to the media.
But the gate had been double locked, just so to prevent her from doing what she was thinking about.
She could get the gate open eventually, but by then the media scrum would have left.
She had even suggested to Peter that she lead the media announcement. She could answer her own questions instead of Peter answering the media’s questions for her.
But that was the way with race horses, you don’t answer your own questions when you’re facing the media. It is the trainer who answers the questions, not the jockey and certainly not the horse.
She turned away from the gate, she didn’t want to let the media catch her watching them, catch her caring what they thought. She had lived her racing life in the media’s eyes, as any racing horse should.
Now she hoped that she would not fall into obscurity in the media’s eyes, she wanted to be remembered like the greats; like Poseidon, Grand Flaneur and of course Phar Lap.

MICF - FanFiction Comedy (2)

FanFiction Comedy (2)
13th April 2013

I arrived half way into a story concerning Lord of the Rings, which was funny and good. I’d not heard the intro as I was running late (see the post below as to why). But I gathered it was about The Hobbit, something I’ve not seen. But am aware of it and the events surrounding it (like the NZ News being read in Elvish).

Heidi O'Loughlin's Mrs Pacman story was also wonderful. Short though understandably so there is only so much backstory you can gather from Pacman / Ms Pacman. But still it was filled with witty, funny observations and was painted with excellent flourish by O'Loughlin.

Cal Wilson's story was a stand out the best of them, there seems to be a thing with the special guests that one seems to get the idea of fan fiction and the other not quite so much.
This was the case with Cal Wilson and David O'Doherty.
Cal Wilson's was a fanfic involving The Voice and a multitude of characters including Daleks, King Kong, Jar Jar Binks, Dobby and Godzilla. Those were just the contestants, the judges were; Darth Vader, the Fourth Doctor, Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock and Hermione Granger.
Cal Wilson did some great voices, but she also got the styles and personalities of each of the characters she introduced spot on and painted them quickly and succinctly into her story.
It was funny and vividly painted. Wilson's story fired the imagination up and painted in the story and characters with imagination filling in the gaps. The frame work of The Voice plus all the characters she filled it with was wondrous.

O'Doherty's story didn't really do this.
Maybe it was because he was holding his laptop to read from, or maybe it's because I don't really care about Lance Armstrong.
But the basic premise was that Lance Armstrong ruins it for everyone.
I’m not a fan of cycling and didn’t really care about Armstrong before or after the revelation of his drug cheating. So there is a bit of that in there, I just didn’t really care about the subject of the story at all.

Finally there was Tom Furniss’ story a Bondi Rescue crossover featuring Lara Bingle as a insane power mad witch bent on destruction because she has a nice Bondi-sid house that is filled with tourists and life guards.
There was magic and evil and a her loss of an engagement ring that she flushed down the loo and was retrieved from the shit outflow pipe by one of the lifeguards from the show.
There was people getting crushed because she moved the flags to be a millimetre apart so everyone was trying to stay within them.
And then finally there was a death scene involving fingering which most of the audience went "ooo" in the 'that's a bit controversial and sort of like suggesting rape sort of thing'. But this was a very fictional construct where Lara Bingle was a mad woman with witchy powers, who craved her precious engagement ring and could float and cast down people.

It makes me think to FanFiction.net whose rules/guidelines state that entries that contain “Stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters: actors, musicians, and etc.” are not allowed.

But then are these reality shows and the people who appear in them "real" people?
I'd argue not in many cases, take Top Gear for example. If you compare how they behave in the show and especially on their big adventures to how the are in "real life", on commentaries, on other shows and in their own writing they are a similar person. But not the same, it's a part of their personality amped up for TV purposes but they're different.

With "Being Lara Bingle" and “Bondi Rescue” there's more of an argument that this is what the people are, however the situations through which we see them are constructed, so we still have a false sense of their personalities, because we only see them through these constructed situation.

How is that different from a fictional narrative through which characters are presented? (I'm glad you asked essay question-esque question) Fictional narratives present characters and it's part of a narrative structure that you learn about the characters it is how you enjoy and become immersed in the narrative. It is (usually) through the characters that the narrative is explored. You become closer to the characters than any reality show could show because a fictional narrative is a much more intimate medium through which to explore a narrative.
With prose this become an even more intimate relationship because a character's insights, internalised thoughts and specifics of that character are related to the reader. You are made to care about the characters in a far deeper way than in a televisual narrative because you are generating the characters in your imagination as you read. There are (often though not always) external influences that affect how you generate these fictional imaginary structures.

So having people read and perform their pieces of fiction that they have created is a great and wonderful experience, it is their interpretations of these (often) imaginary situations and characters that they have interpreted into existence and then presented to the world.

I want to go back and see Fanfiction Comedy again. I will again buy a ticket for Saturday as I will be up to see the I Love Green Guide Letters podcast and just hope that it doesn't over run again and force me to do (another) mad dash down the stairs.

MICF - FanFiction Comedy Harry Potter special (1)

FanFiction Comedy is a group of New Zealand comedians and their show is produced by Wil Anderson. I'm not totally sure what is involved in the latter, I saw Wil coming up the stairs as I was going down them, but aside from that I'm not sure what he and his gravity defying hair do.

Located in the Victoria Hotel Banquet Room it's literally just around the corner from the Melbourne Town Hall, so as I’ve mentioned below if you’re looking for an early night of comedy on a Thursday night I Love Green Guide Letters and FanFiction Comedy go well together.
FanFiction Comedy are, however on Saturday, Sunday and Monday throughout the comedy festival. Monday slightly later at 7pm, Sunday earlier at 4:30pm and Saturday at 5:30pm.

The idea behind FanFiction Comedy is that the group plus 2 guest stars write some amusing fan fiction and then read it out. Tonight it was reviewed by 2 of the group.

This show was a themed one, though according to them on Twitter the others will be a mixed variety of fanfic. The theme for tonight was Harry Potter.

The two special guests were Adam Richard and Tegan Higginbotham.

Heidi O'Loughlin’s fic was probably the darkest of the lot. Still funny.

I think it was Tom Furniss who admitted only having ready the first Harry Potter book and did an odd Jack Black Harry Potter crossover. I happen to like crossovers and he did some great voices, so I found it pretty funny.

Adam Richard's story was...well it was funny, but Harry Potter universe wise it wasn’t great for its in-universe consistency. Not so much a fan fiction and a fiction written with ideas of the universe.

Tegan Higginbotham's story was probably the best, it had great characterisations, it got them out into the story quickly yet still allowing little details for them all. It stuck to the theme, though there wasn’t one stated in the show it seemed to be what the Harry Potter characters did after (or in Richard’s case before) their time at Hogwarts. I’m only assuming this based on the similar themes of everyone’s stories.

I should say now (and probably earlier) that I am a Harry Potter fan, and also a reader and writer of fan fiction. Having said that I’ve not heard of Drapple, or rather I hadn’t until I attended FanFiction Comedy.

Eli the MC of the night mentioned Drapple early on, is Draco/Apple slash fiction. Apple as in the fruit, which supposedly in two scenes in the Harry Potter films he's seen eating an apple.
Amazingly weird.
But better than MPREG, which is something I really don't enjoy reading about (MPREG is male pregnancy).

Eli finished the show with a musical number on the Drapple subject, which was good and funny.

I didn’t laugh as much as I thought I would, but it wasn’t for me a laugh on every sentence sort of show. I did enjoy it though and will be buying more tickets for it.

Not all shows need to make me laugh, not all of the time, laughing’s important, it’s the comedy festival after all. But it’s also good to be stimulated mentally, to think and muse on the subjects brought up, along with the laughing.

FanFiction Comedy, like Joel Creasey left me wanting more and left me still thinking about the show long after it finished and left me wanting to return.

Doctor Who and the passing of time.

Caroline John passed away earlier this month. She played Dr Elizabeth Shaw for four stories in the early 1970s opposite Jon Pertwee and Nicholas Courtney. These were also Jon Pertwee’s first four stories.

Nicholas Courtney and Elisabeth Sladen (who played the Brigadier and Sarah Jane Smith) passed away last year.

I read a comment somewhere that said ‘I like to think that Jon Pertwee, Nicholas Courtney and Caroline John are somewhere doing a Season 7b’.
It made me smile that comment, just before my cynicism about the afterlife kicked in.

Imagination and the continuation of stories is a lovely thing.

I think if we continue to read and write stories about these people, about the characters they played then they’ll continue to live on in our imaginations.

Stories continue to be written about the First, Second and Third Doctor’s adventures, evoking the characters played by William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee. Stories continue to feature Barbra Wright, Ben Jackson, Liz Shaw, Nicholas Courntey, Sarah Jane Smith, bringing to mind the actors who played them.

Doctor Who began in 1963, but the story that started then is still going, and the characters that started there, and the characters who were created, built upon throughout its history continue to be written about. Continue to be recreated in audio, in comic, in prose and in our imaginations.

That’s a brilliant, wonderful thing, that these characters and the people who portrayed them, brought them to life for us will continue to live on. Recreated and remembered, brought to excited life in our imaginations as we read, listen and interact with them.

Easily distracted

There is something to be said for the single focus of an iPad, that running a single program and focusing on the task gives you focus on that task.

On a modern computer, whatever standard by which you measure modern you can be doing several things, running several programs at once.

There is something that the iPad gives you in only allowing you do do one thing and do that one thing quite easily, but if you want to switch between programs (fine Apps) you have to double click the home button to allow you to switch.

But on a computer, on a desktop or laptop that is, it’s much easier to switch between programs, or have several running in the background of your main task.

Sometimes that’s good, in researching stuff you’ll need to have a browser open in the background with likely several tabs worth of information open to refer back to. Plus PDFs open as well with additional material.

But then there’s all the other minor distractions, at the moment I have two word processors open. Bean a small, low complexity word processor which I use to write most of my blogs, because it opens quickly, doesn’t have very many extra bells and whistles and lets me compose things quickly.
Behind that I’ve got Word open, which is what I should be working on. I likely could be working on the file that’s in Word in Bean, but Word is what I originally composed it in and will continue with it in Word.
Behind those there’s iTunes downloading podcasts, and somewhere at the back is Firefox, which is only a distraction which I should close, but haven’t.

It is an active concern, the internet lies in wait to distract me from the work I should be doing. It shouldn’t take self control like this to avoid the internet, but it does.
It was easier when the internet was dial-up, then you couldn’t just use it on impulse, you had to make a decision to use the internet, it would tie up the phone lines as well (unless you had a separate one for the internet, or fax or something). Then you used it, and while it was a decision based sort of activity you could actually do other things because load times were long.

Now it seems I’ve distracted myself from what was the main subject of this.
While an iPad does give you focus, Apple’s decision to tie down the operating system on the iPad makes it somewhat irritating from a text construction point of view. The dictionary is one of the most annoying parts, the other is the lack of keyboard shortcuts.
I don’t use the keyboard shortcuts for bold or italic often, but when I do it’s part of my regular typing process, I don’t pause to use them, I use them and then move on. But with the iPad it forces a break in the flow because you have to take your hands off the keyboard (I use a wireless one when I’m composing at length) and touch the screen. It’s not a gigantic issue, but it’s one of several annoyances which prevent me from using the iPad as anything other than an occasional text construction device.