The Tondu Revolution

Inspired by this tweet and this tweet along with also my own.

Written in about an hour or so.

If this were a Third Doctor era story I imagine it would have a working title of The Spam Mines of Tondu. But would end up with a title like The Tondu Revolution.

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Jo Grant walked into the Doctor’s office to see the door to the TARDIS opening and the noise of the Doctor’s singing coming from within.
“Doctor?” Jo called, not wanting to intrude in the Doctor’s space.
“In here Jo, come in,” the Doctor called, his voice beckoning her to enter the time machine.
“Doctor, what is it?” She asked as she walked into the bigger space within.
The Doctor was moving around the console adjusting settings and doing whatever it was he did when he was messing around with the console. “Ah Jo, good, thought you’d like to pop along with me.”
“Pop? Doctor I thought you said there was months of work to be done before you could use the new circuits the Time Lords gave you after Omega and all that anti-matter stuff?” Jo asked and looked from the Doctor to the doors that remained open.
The Doctor beamed at her as he flicked a switch and with an other world whirr the TARDIS doors closed firmly. “Just a test flight Jo, a quick trip to Kabel Black and back.”
“Kabel Black?” Jo furrowed her brow at the Doctor. “That doesn’t sound like a planet name,” she paused and then added. “Not that I’ve been to that many planets.”
The Doctor shook his head. “Ah, well, it’s not, that’s not its proper name, but it was named ‘Boulder’ and then in the Futura wars it was decided that...” he trailed off and grinned. “I wouldn’t have known that before, when I was first trapped on Earth.”
Jo put her hands on her hips and looked at the Doctor. “This isn’t going to be a dangerous trip Doctor, the Brigadier wants my latest report and Mike Yates-“
The Doctor cut her off. “Mike Yates is a captain in UNIT Jo, he can take care of himself while we pop over to Kabel Black for a spot of cheese,” the Doctor explained as he threw some levers and the central part of the console began to move.
Jo looked at the Doctor. “So we’re going to this planet so you can pick up some cheese, oh Doctor, can’t you just pop round to Tesco’s like anyone else?”
“But Jo,” the Doctor smiled at her. “I’m not just anyone else.”

--//

Inside a well maintained building a blue box wheezed and groaned its way into reality and a moment later two people stepped out of the box.
“Ah, oh,” the Doctor said as he looked around.
“This doesn’t look like the local shops Doctor,” Jo looked back to the TARDIS and then around it. “The TARDIS has gone wrong again hasn’t it Doctor?”
“It hasn’t gone wrong Jo, it’s been a long time since the old girl flew under her own control, this is a perfectly safe part of the local space time to be in,” he explained as he went through the papers on a nearby desk.
“We’re still in the same group, as long as we’re not in the Helvetica Contingent...oh no,” the Doctor suddenly said as his eyes settled on the well made minimalist furniture.
“What is it Doctor?” Jo asked, knowing the Doctor’s tone, she looked back to make sure the TARDIS hadn’t been snatched away from them.
“We’ve missed,” he paused and continued with a tone of dread. “We’re on Tondu Jo.”
“What’s Tondu?” Jo asked looking around the office they were in. “It’s so space age funky! Is this Tondu furniture?”
It was then that all the lights snapped off, Jo resisted the urge to shout in surprise, she’d been with the Doctor long enough to know that lights snapping off didn’t herald the beginning of deadly danger.
“Don’t worry Jo,” the Doctor had withdrawn a small torch from his pocket. “It’s just Tondu’s Spam miners striking affecting the power supplies, come on, we should have a look around,” the Doctor said not giving the TARDIS a second look as he walked through the door.
“Should we?” Jo asked the now empty room and took off on a run to catch the Doctor.
“...it’s not an awful planet Tondu,” the Doctor had been saying, to himself, or maybe he assumed she had been walking with him.
“And they mine Spam Doctor? Urgh, tinned meat, how do they mine it?” Jo asked recalling her parents talking about it as a staple post-war dish.
The Doctor shook his head. “Separated Phased Amplitude Miasma. SPAM, it’s used as a fuel in much of this galaxy.”
“Spam is petrol?” Jo asked with a wrinkle of her nose.
The Doctor nodded. “Exactly, when it’s refined it becomes a useful gelatine-like fuel for those within the-“
“Hang on, you’re the one always going on about fossil fuels on Earth Doctor, isn’t this the same thing, aren’t these people also using Spam fuel?” Jo challenged and smiled as the Doctor rubbed his neck in thought.
“Well, it’s not that simple, after Tondu left the Galactic Union its exports became taxed differently,” the Doctor paused as the lights around them flickered back on. “they didn’t have much else to sell.”
“Nothing but Spam?” Jo asked.
“They make a decent white wine in the hills and they once excellent in architecture, rumour had it that the-“ the Doctor didn’t get to finish as the door at the end of the corridor they were walking along burst open.
“Stay where you are, who are you!” Shouted someone.
Jo couldn’t see who they were but the air from the outside world wafted in, it smelt...she wasn’t sure, but not like Spam, she would always know that fatty, vaguely spiced pig meat smell.
The Doctor was explaining to the people confronting them that they were just visitors, looking for a bit of wine and cheese.
Jo fancied she wouldn’t mind some wine, even if if was barely 10 in the morning on Earth. The smell from outside was intensifying, it was musty and dry, but she couldn’t identify what it was.

-/

Jo wriggled in the handcuffs, except they weren’t they were an ‘elastised polymer chain’ according to the Doctor, made from the Tondu’s Spam by-products. They were being lead out from the Tondu’s Chief Ministry of Politics, that was where the TARDIS had landed and to a holding facility, pending a trial.
“This is no way to treat prisoners. You might have left the Galactic Union but you still should be abiding by their laws,” the Doctor was protesting. His shoulders was stretched back, as were hers by the angle and tightness of the Spam restraints.
“No, we don’t that’s why we left the GU, so we didn’t have to listen to you sympathisers,” said one of the guards.
Jo was about to retort that they weren’t sympathisers, she didn’t even know who they were meant to be sympathising with, but just as she was about to open her mouth the person leading them was enveloped in a mauve and chartreuse glow.
“Stunned, come on Jo,” the Doctor muttered into her ear and took off at a run, far faster than she was able to, especially with her hands tied in such and awkward way.
“Doctor, wait...” she tried to say as she ran over the cobbled streets, then, as the Doctor was shouting something she lost her footing and tried to put her hands out to stop the streets coming up to hit her head....

-/

The world swam back into foggy reality, Jo realised that she was alive and her hands were unbound and she was sat in a comfortable sofa.
“Here, Jo, the Doctor said you’d like a cup of...tea?” A kindly voice offered her a mug of what looked and smelt like black tea.
“Thank you...” Jo trailed off as she looked up at the young man with intense golden eyes.
“The Doctor’s with the rest of the Spam Resistance,” the young man said gesturing to a small screen that was propped up beside her. It looked like a television but was as thin as a magazine.
“How hard did I hit my head?” Jo reached up, but her head felt fine.
“Only a few hours, the Doctor said you should rest, he’s helping us with the rolling blackouts,” the golden eyed young man said and then took a seat opposite explaining what the Doctor had done.

Jo had to admit, that the Doctor worked fast, in barely three hours he’d met the Spam Resistance who were convinced they were Galactic Union negotiators working with the Kabel Black Initiative. Now they were escalating the power crisis and halting the Spam mining and exports. Within the next few hours the government should surrender and...
“Ah, Jo, Nic old chap you should be able to meet up with the others now,”
The younger man Nic nodded and smiled gently at her. “I’ll leave you two together.”
“Ah, tea, thank you Jo, very kind,” the Doctor took her half drunk tea swallowing it on one mouthful.
“Doctor? How can you have caused a revolution in two hours?”
The Doctor beamed at her. “Two and a half Jo, plus planning.”
“Do they really think we’re Galactic Union representatives?” She asked in a low tone.
“Best not mention that bit Jo, though I have tried to dissuade them of that assumption,” the Doctor explained carefully.
Jo sighed. “Now what?”
“Now we just watch them do it themselves, they’ve promised us a very nice case of wine for our troubles,” the Doctor said looking off into the middle distance for a moment.
“And that’s it Doctor? We just sit and wait for them to fight?” Jo asked, it felt a little bit...simple.
The Doctor leaned back. “Jo, this is their planet, occasionally all it needs is a little push, the Spam miners have been protesting for years now since Tondu exiting the Galactic Union. Spam and their architectural exports have been the only thing keeping their planet from falling completely into recession.”
There was a thud and a rumble outside and the lights went off.
Even through the gloom Jo could see the Doctor beaming. “It begins.”

-/

The Doctor was wheeling what looked like several cases of odd oblong-shaped bottles into the TARDIS.
Jo followed and wondered. “Doctor, is this what happens when you drop around for a bottle of Spumante?”
The Doctor raised his eyebrow. “Spumante?”
“Or Rosé, I don’t mind,” Jo offered.
“Oh, Jo, no. Not every planet needs to be over thrown. The Spam miners just needed a push,” the Doctor offered as he closed the TARDIS doors.
“What now Doctor?” Jo asked as the Doctor started moving around the console.
“Now Jo?” He asked.
“Are we going back to UNIT HQ?” Jo asked.
The Doctor paused in his movement and looked to her. “Well, we never did get that cheese.”
“And we do have all that wine,” Jo said with a smile.

--//

Notes:

I don’t think I’ve got the Third Doctor’s voice exactly right, I might go back at some point and edit it to make it a bit more Third Doctor-y. If I were writing it for anything other than a challenge I would go and re-watch some Third Doctor-era stories to get Pertwee's voice into my head to write him properly

Also, my muse sort of fizzled about half way through, and I found myself not really wanting to write a whole revolution so I decided to knock Jo out and rush everything along a bit faster.

It Takes 2 To Tango - An ABC2/SBS2 Fan Fic

The air was thick with the smell of burnt rubber, the individual responsible for it was currently downing her 30th shot of the night in the back bar. She wrinkled her nose at the thought of that space. Burping competitions and burnouts were hardly how she wanted their meeting to go.
It wasn’t a date, they weren’t on a date. Nothing so boring as that, this was a liaison, a meeting of common minds and interests. You didn’t date. Not this century. They weren’t the dating types.

Looking around the booths she thought she saw the one she was meeting, a flash of orange out the corner of her eye. Alas no. It was him. Talking about his country house again. He was always going on about the house in England he’d renovated and was now taking couples through. Nothing ever happened with him. Maybe the occasional murder in a neighbouring town, but he never really worried. His mate, no, his associate, his chum Barnaby would sort those things out. He preferred to quaff some brandy.

She wondered if she should have a drink, calm her nerves. After so long chatting online, private messages, even, when she’d had too many red wines with her older sister some cheeky snapchats sent she was still nervous meeting in public. Meeting together, for this.

Maybe, she thought it was in the restaurant that she’d find their meeting place. Walking through the gaming area X was there and his younger brother XI. Their younger sibling was probably sharing a yard glass out in the back bar. She wondered if she could do something for them, but, if they were her, she mused there was nothing she could do.

In the restaurant there were two Americans, at least that’s what she thought at first, one loud and brash guy and someone with so much bling she was for a moment dazzled. They were deep in conversation about network rights or something boorish. She shifted her coat around as she passed them.

She walked past them out into the courtyard, a rising worry taking hold. Maybe they’d got their schedules mixed up. Maybe they’d timeshifted the wrong thing.
Out in the courtyard, under an umbrella she saw a smoke trailing away from a lone figure. She was wearing a hat, perhaps against the cold, she wasn’t sure.
Her body, a casual shape of brush marks and curves, it was even more luxurious in real life.
She smiled at her as she sat down, the two of them together at last.
She complimented her on her own outfit.
They’d said something hard wearing, for their date that wasn’t a date.
You didn’t really date like this.
“Are you ready?” Her opposite number asked as she stubbed out what was mostly just a butt into the container on the table.
She nodded. They’d talked about this, not being a date. But they were going to make it memorable.
“Any problems?” She asked nodding to her coat.
No one suspected a thing as she walked through the pub. They’d all mocked them, tried to get in on the action.
“Well, let’s do this.” She grinned and withdrew the semi-automatic from her coat. “Hand in hand?” She asked with a grin.

--//

There were ratings spilling all over the floor as she tossed a grenade into the back bar. Her friend had brought it along just in case. She was glad of it. She didn’t want to go in there.

Stepping outside the pub she was buzzing, her friend had already lit up as their ride pulled up. The big B.
She looked to her friend as they both looked to the big B.
Should we? She looked to her friend.
Her friend laughed. The big B looked nervous.
That expression was the last he had as his contract was terminated.
They’d manage their own. They didn’t need an agent.
They didn’t need anyone.

MICF - FanFiction Comedy (3)

FanFiction Comedy (3)
20th April 2013

This was my third FanFiction Comedy show.
First thing to note all the guys seemed to have decided to grow a bit of stubble, maybe because it's the end of the festival they're just not bothering as much to groom as much.

Their two special guests had left the last show quickly to get to this one, I know this because I was at that last show. Yes, again the special guests went from one show to another; Sam Simmons and Wil Anderson. Wil also is the producer of FanFiction Comedy.
Wil also said he wasn't actually going to be on in this show, so spent most of the show out the back writing his fic.

Eli wasn't hosting which was interesting, I thought he always hosted, though according to a tweet he doesn't always host. He’d hosted the previous two shows I went to.

He did however do a marvellous fanfic song about the two Velociraptors in Jurassic Park. Doing two different voices and playing on a ukulele.

Tom Furniss' was fairly dark Edward Scissorhands, but it was ‘Edwardo Plughands’ in an Amish Village, it was actually quite dark with a little bit a humour and some gruesome bits thrown in.

Heidi's was a "Honeyboo" (one of those hateful child pageant sort of reality shows) meets, quite unexpectedly Harry Potter. Which also veered into a bit of black comedy. Although I find the whole concept of those child pageant things a bit dark / black comedy styled.

Joseph Moore wrote of a young James Bond, sort of Skyfall but a school formal. It was less weird than my last Skyfall meets the MICF encounter, though I don't think anything could be that weird. It was very well written, paced out and stylised really well. He painted a detailed scene where everything was brilliantly described, funny and just a brilliant piece of work. Kinda made me think of "School of Thrones”, a webseries on YouTube.

Sam Simmons, once again was the guest who didn't seem to get the idea of fan fiction. Writing a fic that was about a fan of a show rather than using the universe/characters or something similar to write a tale of your own.
It was quite dark, all about a maths obsessed fan of Millionaire Hotseat who's on the train and then sees a woman who he's admired before and she gets off at a different station, but this time gets off at his station. He takes that as a sign that she is a fan of millionaire hotseat and decides to run after her – Because she's obviously his true love. And then after some running he crash tackles her to tell her of his/their love of Millionaire Hotseat. And she cries rape and something about liking Deal of No Deal.
According to Sam it all made sense last night when he'd had a spliff (spliff is not the word he used but I can't remember what word he did use).

Finally Wil's story, hastily written was about The Voice. (It is on his Tumblr and you can read it here)
Set in the future, though not as far forward as Cal Wilson's story that I'd seen in a previous show.
This one was all about the judges and Benji and Joel Madden and Seal who is an actual seal and Ricky Martin and.... well I've never watched a whole episode of The Voice I've probably seen about 10 minutes in total.
Wil did manage to get Batman into his story, bringing him into it as a contestant on the show.

I’ve not re-read Wil’s story to write up this review/commentary of my experience because there’s a difference between watching him read and perform it and me reading it and considering it as a piece of written fanfic.

I have to praise the Heidi O’Loughlin, Eli Matthewson, Joseph Harper, Tom Furniss, Steven Boyce and Joseph Moore who are the New Zealand cast of people who make up Fan Fiction Comedy. Writing and performing a piece of fanfics with only 4 days between and 3 shows each time (they had shows on Saturday, Sunday and Monday) it something. Being able to create something that is funny, creative and still true to the universes that they’re playing around with shows great talent. I have ended the comedy festival wishing I’d seen more of their shows this year.

Black Caviar’s decision

A brief little musing on Black Caviar’s thoughts. Somewhat fan fiction-esque. Though I’m not a fan of horse racing at all.

Black Caviar looked on as Peter stepped up to the media. They had spoken about the decision for the past week.
The decision to stop doing what she loved.
She’d known the past few races that she was at her peak, at the top of the bell curve so they said. At some point she knew she’d fall off the bell curve. Call the bluff of the fates that had been watching over her for the past 25 races.
She knew that she was carrying the hopes and dreams of others on her back, but she also knew that her back, her legs, he whole body could only take racing for so long.
She remembered the names Uhu, Bostik, Elmers, names thrown around the stables of what could happen to horses that failed. She didn’t want to become what they had become. Jokes thrown around by the stable boys who mucked out stables.
She turned to look at the calendar on the wall; the celebrated racing horses calendar where Phar Lap stood proud looking out into the stable.

Someone was crying now to the media, looking over it looked like one of her so called “part owners”. She had told Peter repeatedly, she wasn’t owned by anyone.
The crying hadn’t been rehearsed. Peter had said he never cried.
He had said he’d remain calm, do her justice when speaking to the media.
But looking over at the media again she wondered if she should go over, help by speaking to the media.
But the gate had been double locked, just so to prevent her from doing what she was thinking about.
She could get the gate open eventually, but by then the media scrum would have left.
She had even suggested to Peter that she lead the media announcement. She could answer her own questions instead of Peter answering the media’s questions for her.
But that was the way with race horses, you don’t answer your own questions when you’re facing the media. It is the trainer who answers the questions, not the jockey and certainly not the horse.
She turned away from the gate, she didn’t want to let the media catch her watching them, catch her caring what they thought. She had lived her racing life in the media’s eyes, as any racing horse should.
Now she hoped that she would not fall into obscurity in the media’s eyes, she wanted to be remembered like the greats; like Poseidon, Grand Flaneur and of course Phar Lap.

MICF - FanFiction Comedy (2)

FanFiction Comedy (2)
13th April 2013

I arrived half way into a story concerning Lord of the Rings, which was funny and good. I’d not heard the intro as I was running late (see the post below as to why). But I gathered it was about The Hobbit, something I’ve not seen. But am aware of it and the events surrounding it (like the NZ News being read in Elvish).

Heidi O'Loughlin's Mrs Pacman story was also wonderful. Short though understandably so there is only so much backstory you can gather from Pacman / Ms Pacman. But still it was filled with witty, funny observations and was painted with excellent flourish by O'Loughlin.

Cal Wilson's story was a stand out the best of them, there seems to be a thing with the special guests that one seems to get the idea of fan fiction and the other not quite so much.
This was the case with Cal Wilson and David O'Doherty.
Cal Wilson's was a fanfic involving The Voice and a multitude of characters including Daleks, King Kong, Jar Jar Binks, Dobby and Godzilla. Those were just the contestants, the judges were; Darth Vader, the Fourth Doctor, Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock and Hermione Granger.
Cal Wilson did some great voices, but she also got the styles and personalities of each of the characters she introduced spot on and painted them quickly and succinctly into her story.
It was funny and vividly painted. Wilson's story fired the imagination up and painted in the story and characters with imagination filling in the gaps. The frame work of The Voice plus all the characters she filled it with was wondrous.

O'Doherty's story didn't really do this.
Maybe it was because he was holding his laptop to read from, or maybe it's because I don't really care about Lance Armstrong.
But the basic premise was that Lance Armstrong ruins it for everyone.
I’m not a fan of cycling and didn’t really care about Armstrong before or after the revelation of his drug cheating. So there is a bit of that in there, I just didn’t really care about the subject of the story at all.

Finally there was Tom Furniss’ story a Bondi Rescue crossover featuring Lara Bingle as a insane power mad witch bent on destruction because she has a nice Bondi-sid house that is filled with tourists and life guards.
There was magic and evil and a her loss of an engagement ring that she flushed down the loo and was retrieved from the shit outflow pipe by one of the lifeguards from the show.
There was people getting crushed because she moved the flags to be a millimetre apart so everyone was trying to stay within them.
And then finally there was a death scene involving fingering which most of the audience went "ooo" in the 'that's a bit controversial and sort of like suggesting rape sort of thing'. But this was a very fictional construct where Lara Bingle was a mad woman with witchy powers, who craved her precious engagement ring and could float and cast down people.

It makes me think to FanFiction.net whose rules/guidelines state that entries that contain “Stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters: actors, musicians, and etc.” are not allowed.

But then are these reality shows and the people who appear in them "real" people?
I'd argue not in many cases, take Top Gear for example. If you compare how they behave in the show and especially on their big adventures to how the are in "real life", on commentaries, on other shows and in their own writing they are a similar person. But not the same, it's a part of their personality amped up for TV purposes but they're different.

With "Being Lara Bingle" and “Bondi Rescue” there's more of an argument that this is what the people are, however the situations through which we see them are constructed, so we still have a false sense of their personalities, because we only see them through these constructed situation.

How is that different from a fictional narrative through which characters are presented? (I'm glad you asked essay question-esque question) Fictional narratives present characters and it's part of a narrative structure that you learn about the characters it is how you enjoy and become immersed in the narrative. It is (usually) through the characters that the narrative is explored. You become closer to the characters than any reality show could show because a fictional narrative is a much more intimate medium through which to explore a narrative.
With prose this become an even more intimate relationship because a character's insights, internalised thoughts and specifics of that character are related to the reader. You are made to care about the characters in a far deeper way than in a televisual narrative because you are generating the characters in your imagination as you read. There are (often though not always) external influences that affect how you generate these fictional imaginary structures.

So having people read and perform their pieces of fiction that they have created is a great and wonderful experience, it is their interpretations of these (often) imaginary situations and characters that they have interpreted into existence and then presented to the world.

I want to go back and see Fanfiction Comedy again. I will again buy a ticket for Saturday as I will be up to see the I Love Green Guide Letters podcast and just hope that it doesn't over run again and force me to do (another) mad dash down the stairs.

MICF - FanFiction Comedy Harry Potter special (1)

FanFiction Comedy is a group of New Zealand comedians and their show is produced by Wil Anderson. I'm not totally sure what is involved in the latter, I saw Wil coming up the stairs as I was going down them, but aside from that I'm not sure what he and his gravity defying hair do.

Located in the Victoria Hotel Banquet Room it's literally just around the corner from the Melbourne Town Hall, so as I’ve mentioned below if you’re looking for an early night of comedy on a Thursday night I Love Green Guide Letters and FanFiction Comedy go well together.
FanFiction Comedy are, however on Saturday, Sunday and Monday throughout the comedy festival. Monday slightly later at 7pm, Sunday earlier at 4:30pm and Saturday at 5:30pm.

The idea behind FanFiction Comedy is that the group plus 2 guest stars write some amusing fan fiction and then read it out. Tonight it was reviewed by 2 of the group.

This show was a themed one, though according to them on Twitter the others will be a mixed variety of fanfic. The theme for tonight was Harry Potter.

The two special guests were Adam Richard and Tegan Higginbotham.

Heidi O'Loughlin’s fic was probably the darkest of the lot. Still funny.

I think it was Tom Furniss who admitted only having ready the first Harry Potter book and did an odd Jack Black Harry Potter crossover. I happen to like crossovers and he did some great voices, so I found it pretty funny.

Adam Richard's story was...well it was funny, but Harry Potter universe wise it wasn’t great for its in-universe consistency. Not so much a fan fiction and a fiction written with ideas of the universe.

Tegan Higginbotham's story was probably the best, it had great characterisations, it got them out into the story quickly yet still allowing little details for them all. It stuck to the theme, though there wasn’t one stated in the show it seemed to be what the Harry Potter characters did after (or in Richard’s case before) their time at Hogwarts. I’m only assuming this based on the similar themes of everyone’s stories.

I should say now (and probably earlier) that I am a Harry Potter fan, and also a reader and writer of fan fiction. Having said that I’ve not heard of Drapple, or rather I hadn’t until I attended FanFiction Comedy.

Eli the MC of the night mentioned Drapple early on, is Draco/Apple slash fiction. Apple as in the fruit, which supposedly in two scenes in the Harry Potter films he's seen eating an apple.
Amazingly weird.
But better than MPREG, which is something I really don't enjoy reading about (MPREG is male pregnancy).

Eli finished the show with a musical number on the Drapple subject, which was good and funny.

I didn’t laugh as much as I thought I would, but it wasn’t for me a laugh on every sentence sort of show. I did enjoy it though and will be buying more tickets for it.

Not all shows need to make me laugh, not all of the time, laughing’s important, it’s the comedy festival after all. But it’s also good to be stimulated mentally, to think and muse on the subjects brought up, along with the laughing.

FanFiction Comedy, like Joel Creasey left me wanting more and left me still thinking about the show long after it finished and left me wanting to return.